I’ve just come out of the ‘chippy’ with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man was sitting on the pavement said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’
I said him ‘I wish I had your will power.’
-----------------------
A fat bird served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time; she said ‘Sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘Don’t worry fatso, you’ll lose it eventually.’
----------------------------
Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away’.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
-------------------------------
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
----------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
--------------------------------
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
--------------------------------
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A poor homeless man was sitting on the pavement said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’
I said him ‘I wish I had your will power.’
-----------------------
A fat bird served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time; she said ‘Sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘Don’t worry fatso, you’ll lose it eventually.’
----------------------------
Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away’.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
-------------------------------
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
----------------------------
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
--------------------------------
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'
--------------------------------
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
