Supermarket Joke

[Biker1959]

A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a rather dishy blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one
of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time that he has been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night, that I shagged
on the pool table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

 

[holmslaw]

Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What, did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and got hit by a bus.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.