Never Ending Story

There was a feeling of great relief and ecstatically they started ...
 
searching - but found nothing.

"Are you having us on?"

"No, there's always loads of sweetie wrappers in New Wimbledon. The Umpyres are too lazy to ---"

"But this is Hell!"

"Well I was out in Hell but now I'm back in the pub - aren't I?"

"Er, not quite." said Wogan. "I'm sorry to say that you're as dead as a doorknob. Flattened by a lava bomb you were - and this really is Hell."
 
"Hell has no fury like a woman scorned" shouted a ghoul standing at the back, as Terry Wogan started to move towards.....
 
Katy Boyle who was watching the temperature of the cauldron of boiling oil she was preparing............
 
Macbeth's favourite stew, with the help of Terry Wogan and Piers Morgan:

Katy Boyle
Thrice the brinded cat hath mew

Terry Wogan
Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

Piers Morgan
Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.

Katie Boyle
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Terry Wogan
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Piers Morgan
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches' mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Terry Wogan
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

A rich, meal was eaten by all and afterwards they were joined by Susan Boyle and.....
 
Gordon Ramsey, who without swearing managed to declare the meal a great success, wich was more than could be said about the after dinner entertainment provided by Susan Boyle who was having great difficulty singing with a fishbone stuck in her throat...........
 
-- well not a fishbone exactly because the whale is a mammal.

In a freak dressing room accident, her corset had burst free. What were the chances that a piece of whalebone would ricochet off the mirror sharp end first
 
and land on the side of Terry Wogan's neck, causing mass hysteria as....
 
for the first time since creation day, Wogan was speechless. (It is not generally known that, in the beginning, God created Wogan - but then banished him to Hell when he wouldn't shut up.)

So great was their laughter that nobody heard Gordon Ramsay (who had finally lost his footing on the sloping kitchen floor and grabbed an overhead pipe, only to find out that it was a 5000 volt busbar).

"Kelp cake anybody?"
 
Even ghouls have gone off Gordon theses days and they all pretended not to hear him. One stated "he can stick his kelp cake". "Where?" said another.
 
"Well now", said the old Womble. There's a hole in the pub ceiling where it'll fit perfectly --"

"But this is Hell", the other ghouls groaned.

"Oh, I know that. But I've been watching our friend Wogan; the way he comes and goes any time he likes. I think there's a hidden exit and he knows where it is."
 
They watched closely until Wogan finally made his move. He headed straight to the pub and into the room with the hole in the ceiling. He whispered some magic words "beam me up Scotty" and his large frame disappeared through the hole.

The ghouls watched and a brave soul went forward and uttered the same words "beam me up Scotty" and he too disappeared through the hole in the ceiling. Others followed and a large group of them ended up........
 
in Ibrox Grand Central Station, which was underground with no entrance and the railway line was a closed loop.

Yudi turned away from the shaft it was busilly carving into the granite with its beryllite club.

"How did you get here?"

Several Borg ghouls recoiled in horror. The dense yellow fur; the quartz-like bone protrusions - ossified skin - along the shins and forearms. They looked harmless enough but they moved like greased lightning and could tear drones apart with their bare hands.

Gordon was more forthright --

"You effing moron! Who in their right effing mind leaves a live effing busbar where anybody can effing grab it?????
 
Wogan felt very uncomfortable listening to the argument and decided to creep away and join several others going through a gateway. More followed and they entered a large room where they decided to ..
 
have a sing-song while they waited for the next train. So they all started singing ---

"The train I ride is twenty one coaches long ---"

All that is except Gordon. Effing morons they might be, but the Ossi were miners with seventeen different words for granite. If there was any way out of this place, Yudi would be the one to find it
 
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