Never Ending Story

Their first reply was "We'll let you know" (and we all know what that means) but then he told them that he would bring a mermaid.

Next thing he knew he was lined up for the full red carpet treatment but he still had two problems: (a) she was dead and (b) she was naked. How exactly does one dress a dead mermaid? Then he remembered a shop he hadn't tried
 
He headed for the local fancy dress shop and swapped his Man United football
kit for a Pirates of the Caribbean outfit, that way the naked dead mermaid
would look like a film 'prop'.
He hoped the dead mermaid wouldn't start to lose her fish scales all over
the red carpet so he he hid a dustpan and brush up his sleeve (the one
where his 'hook' was in place of a hand)
He couldn't quite manage on his bicycle so he decided to hitch hike to the
Channel Four studio, he was a little perturbed when a butch looking bloke
driving a cement mixer offered him a lift.......
 
-- but that was nothing compared to the driver's reaction when the mermaid suddenly came to life and started to talk in a horrifyingly familiar Irish accent --

"Well, well, well now, who shot Cock Robin? I said Jack Sparrow, with my little Blank."
 
....etty blank"
OMG gasped the lorry driver (he would have said oh my god,
but as no one uses the english language any more....
he thought it rather cool to talk in text speak)
"begorra ye must be that little oirish murmaid I saw with
that Terry Wogan in 1954......Hop in"
This was rather harder than expected with the mermaids tail and the hook
in one hand (although it would make a great fishing tale if he managed
to catch her on the hook)
He climbed in ...but felt uneasy......the butch lorry driver had a weird
glint in his eye and the mermaid was still naked......
 
-- and he started to remove his pirate costume. Suddenly it dawned on him that the driver, who had been making regular sideways glances in his direction, wasn't interested in the mermaid
 
.....he immediately tried to diffuse the situation
reaching in his bag, he said
"would you like a fish paste sandwich mate"
At which point the mermaid screamed in indignation and slapped him round the head with her tail.....
 
knocking him right out of the lorry. (Luckily it was stopped at a red light.) The driver stared, speechless.

"What are you looking at?"

"N-n-nothing!"

"Why not?"

SMACK!!!
 
suddely he was seeing stars, (well actually they were fish scales) dancing before his eyes.
he wiped the salty taste from his lips.
the mermaid reached down and started to activate the cement mixer....
"oi canna be doin wid yer both.....one of ye is for the mixer....
and then oil be seein to ye".....
both men looked in horror .....which one would it be.....
and what did a mermaid 'seeing to' involve .....
 
some time later... the mermaid was wiping the salty taste from her lips.... the cement mixer driver smiled.....


Good chips he said..
 
"--- are what you need for mixing concrete."

"Are you telling me (SMACK) that you've spent the last half hour (SMACK) thinking about your b****y concrete! (SMACK) If you like it that much (SMACK) you can join it!

With that, she shouted out to Eric who was still lying dazed by the roadside. "I need seeing to ---"
 
'oo'er' thought Eric
he felt a lump rising (in his throat)
He brushed the dust from his clothing and swept tne mermaid into his arms.......
He felt confused.....the mermaids hair trailed over her bare breasts seductively........
but she was a mermaid!!!!!!!
'take me........take me now' she said.
Eric swallowed hard......marine biology had never been his best subject.
'take you' stuttered Eric
''where to' he whispered lamely .......
 
"Cloud nine" she gasped as she locked her lips onto his and wrapped her tail around his waist.

Eric was totally flumoxed - but then inspiration struck him (at least it wasn't her tail again). What had he tried to do back at the river? What was good for trout might work on mermaids, so he tickled her. To his amazement she writhed and squealed but held him even tighter.

Feeling very pleased with himself, Eric set off to see his mate Fred. He would know what to do; he was a fisherman
 
fred the fishermans friend from fleetwood, knew exactly what to do he slipped her a few lozenges, and took her breath away.
 
"What is that stuff", asked Eric after checking that he still had his tonsils. The mermaid was now giggling uncontrollably while trying to sing at least three different songs at once.

"You really don't want to know", Fred replied, "but that's not how you tickle a fish. You'll never catch anything that way. The fingertips should barely brush the surface. Like this, see --"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top